The holidays are not a happy time for everyone. Many are dealing with the recent loss of loved ones and all the sights, sounds and tastes of Christmas just feel like sensory overload. That’s how I felt last Christmas, which was the first one without my mom. I was there and I showed up for all the events, but I was still in a grief fog and honestly, I don’t remember much about last year’s holidays.
Life is like that. There are times when our bodies are present, but our spirits are not invested in the moment. It must be a self-preservation mechanism that kicks in. This year feels different for me, but if you are going through that first Christmas without someone you loved and cherished, I’m so very sorry. Give yourself grace and do the best you can to show up and be present.
I’ve been decorating our house for Christmas this week. I have decorations that I’ve had for decades and this year, I also have some that belonged to my mom. Instead of the pain of loss I felt last Christmas, I’m finding joy in the memories attached to the various decorations. I’m also honoring my mom’s memory by putting out some of her favorite decorations.
I’m remembering how my mom loved this time of year and hearing echoes of our conversations and laughter each Christmas. I know I’ll never stop missing her, but I’m so grateful for all the Christmases we spent together.
One of the things my mom enjoyed at Christmas was some Bailey’s Irish Cream in her coffee. The first Christmas my parents lived in Texas, I went to every grocery store to buy some for her but I couldn’t find it anywhere. When I complained about it to my brother, he laughed and said, “You have to go to a liquor store to buy Bailey’s. They don’t sell it in the grocery stores in Texas like they do in the Midwest.”
I may have to pick up a bottle of Bailey’s this year and drink a coffee toast to my mom. Since I’m back in the Midwest, I should be able to find it at the Kroger down the street!
As I drank my coffee this morning, I listened to a CD that my mom used to play on vinyl every Christmas when I was growing up and I felt such gratitude that I have so many happy memories of her. I think my joy has returned and for that, I’m so very grateful.
